New Poetry

I've been bad and AWOL, but after this monday, I will be blogging more often what with the wedding over and done with. I'm kind of in a weird mood tonight and I started listening to some old music that used to really inspire me to write, and guess what? I wrote.

Enjoy.

Fascination
he wants to shake his clean shaved image
his suit, shirt and tie is starting to feel a little tight
he sees in her a vibration of colour and light
her soul dances and sings without reservation
tempted by the siren between the smoke and glitter
he feels more lost in the crowd
until his eyes
meet hers
and she smiles.


disobedience

i painted a portrait
it was beautiful
with all the right colours and strokes
but the more beautiful it became
the more hideous i felt

i took the brush and chose a curious colour
one that i was attracted to but was afraid to use
and when the brush swept over the canvas
it felt so good to be so bad

to destroy the beauty, the perfection
i realize the darkest hue inside my own heart
i could not hide the ugliness
so i continued to stroke until the feeling of guilt subsided

stranger in my house

when he walks out the door
i unfold and feel the prick of loneliness
the bed is cold

we sit at the same table
but feel a million miles away
he goes east and i go west

conversation is mechanical
an old tv - the connection is fading

he looks further ahead
he wants to taste freedom
open his arms and embrace the world
all its beauty
yet he doesnt see
what is here
right now
could be very well gone
by tomorrow.

Bridal Tips

So..I've gone into super focused bride mode, hence the lack of posts. I wanted to leave the wit and wisdom of planning a wedding...I think I might continue adding on to this list lol...

1) Lists - I can't stress enough how wonderful lists,schedules, check lists are.

2) Write everything down - there are times where I remember people telling me pertinent information back in September..and I wish remember what they say today, in June.

3) Make a list of short term goals and pace events throughout the year (or how many months you have to plan) - so you know exactly where you are in terms of completion

4) Don't get too bogged down with wedding magazines - Okay, I have to admit, I splurged and bought a zillion bridal magazines because when I was younger, I knew I was gonna do that one day. But really, I barely touched them because most of them are for wedding dresses (which I got right away) and for ads. If you're looking for great resources, go to marthastewart.com, theknot.com, wedding bells or if you're a DIY type of person, weddingbee is fabulous.

5) DIY - Do It Yourself. It will cut costs significantly. BUT...you should still do your homework and see whether you doing it yourself WOULD be cheaper rather than buying. Take into account how long it will take you to make, the supplies, shipping, etc.

6) Let it go. Myself included, we all get so crazy on making the day perfect, you sometimes catch yourself going, "is this what i really envisioned as my 'perfect' wedding?" - look, bottom line is, it isn't whether your table runners are eggplant or maroon, it's the fact you're getting married. you're doing the very best you can. do what you can but don't over obsess over the little things.

7) Make sure not all your conversations are wedding related. Its hard to say to a bride who's planning her wedding since its always always ALWAYS in her mind, but you have to realize that life isn't just about freaking out over linens or not being able to find the right shoes. If someone asks how the wedding planning is going, answer briefly and don't make it a 10 minute one way conversation!

8) Use other brides/newly weds advice. I think most of the people I hired for my wedding were from referrals. It cuts the time of searching and at least you have an honest opinion.

9) Try not to be neurotic. Its hard to say, because there's a million people who have a million opinions. But try and let it slide and tell them you appreciate the offer/opinion/insight and you'll take it into mind. You don't have to, but it'll shut em up.

10) When you have your mind made up on something. GO FOR IT. Don't let people sway you...even if it is an aquamarine taffeta mermaid dress you plan to wear. If you truly want it - then FUCKIN' GO FOR IT.

11) Keep your bridal party in the loop. Be it email blasts, meetings, newsletters...make sure they know whats up.

12) ENJOY your BIG DAY as much as possible. I'm not there but thats all everyone keeps telling me - and its true - going to a wedding recently, the time goes by so fast.

13) TAKE A LOT OF PHOTOS ALONG THE WAY. I haven't taken that many photos but I have a lot from the beginning stages of planning and I absolutely love them. Before the wedding day - its not about the wedding day - its about the journey there!

14) Thank and keep thanking. You're paying your florist, baker, decorator, caterer...you're not paying your bridal party. Be thankful for all they've done for you and what they continue to do.

36 Plots: Supplication : roleplay.

my husband is addicted to games. and no, not the mindfucking kind of gameplay women seem to enjoy. he's addicted to video games.

whether it be on the computer or on the console, there is always "game" time. which happens religiously three times a day. once in the morning, once in the afternoon and once before he sleeps.

it has become a ritual. he wakes, he turns on the computer and checks his stats on his online games for 10-20 minutes. before lunch, if he's home - he'll be on the computer for 20 minutes checking his sports stats. and then when i ask him to come to bed, again, it takes 20 minutes for him to join me because he has to "finish up some things".

in between those times, there are "cell phone game times". plainly, if i motivate him enough to get out of the house, come grocery shopping with me and the kids, he will be glued to his cell phone playing games the entire time.

and finally, there is "too busy to take care of kids" game time which occurs between the hours of 9pm to 4am. does the man sleep? no. he revels in gaming online with his e-buddies raiding. if the baby cries at 2 in the morning, and i'm sleeping, he'll yell over and tell me that the baby is crying. and when i ask him to go check on him, he says "in a bit" because he's too deep into a raid.

and today...i snapped.

my husband was at work and i took this opportunity to go onto his computer. i went to his sports site and i was looking for the "delete account" option and realize there was none.

i delved deep into the fine print on the site and i emailed them. and their response was that there is no way to delete an account. you would have to completely stop playing and they would delete your account for inactivity.

so, there's no way to retrieve my husbands soul back? you've hooked him for life? i begged them to please delete his account because he was shirking his responsibilities and he was too busy raiding to celebrate his kid's first birthday.

and they said no.

so i said no.

i packed up my things and left.

36 Plots

So I'm going to do this challenge called the "36 Plots" in which I will have to come up with some shorts for certain subjects. I'm taking this challenge alongside my sister, Nathalie. Here is her blog: Northern Star.

Goals

Time for a more positive post.

Last time I made a list, I completed about 95% of it and I did so many things I was very proud of.

So, here's hoping this will one up my last list!

Short Term Goals:
Hike
Learn how to Dragonboat
Direct & Edit some short films
Learn more After Effects
Travel
Take fashionable risks
Write
Paint
Take more pictures
Write more on my blog

Long Term Goals:
Be knowledgeable enough to start my own business and stay comfortable in it
Learn how to ride a motorcycle
Buy my car
Save more money

I've been a very, very bad girl.

Okay, so I haven't posted in over a year - its because I've been busy with school and wedding planning - I had NO idea how BCIT would take any and every morsel of your life. Dont get me wrong, I absolutely fantabulously love BCIT and I wish I could go back in september but I can't anymore due to financial reasons...but I will be back. I'm going to finish what I started.

There are several things that have been bothering me recently and I don't think it was appropriate if I vented on my wedding blog so I thought this was a better medium for it.

fundraising time.

so i realize that i have absolutely no money for school/rent for the next couple months.

i've always been an advocate for FUNDRAISING...so ...i need to think of fundraising schemes ASAP.

i'll keep you posted.

BCIT OR BUST BABY!!

i dont know how i feel about...

...engagement photos.

are they really a necessity? professional ones anyway. i'm sure its wonderful to send out invites with the two of you happily embracing, etc...but are they really worth the money spent?

romantic and classic they are but ...shouldn't wedding day photos be those?

to me, i think the photos you take along the years you've been together should be your 'engagement photos'. thats just me.

for too long has my fate not been in my own hands..no longer.

i've come to a realisation that for several years now, i've been waiting for things to happen, hoping that my big break would come. i worked very hard, i did a lot of grunt work and late hours without seeing a single cent from the fruits of my labour. i listened to advice to go back to school and do something completely far off than what i wanted to become and during that time, it made me unhappy.

it made me realise my life wasn't going anywhere. i felt like i was going to be stuck in a dead end job that pays very handsomely, but lacks integrity and what i love about work - the chase.

the chase - most people like to use this to describe love and i guess it also describes the passion you have for what you want to do. my chase is doing things better, bigger and more creatively. my chase is not conforming to mediocrity and testing the borders, seeing where things can lead to. i don't want to be just any body, i want to be a somebody. but not a somebody in a way that would put my names in tabloid fodder, but someone who is known for never backing down on her career.

for too long, i've been letting my life go, i let a year slip by, working in a place i swore and vow i'd never end up because i absolutely despise ...well everything about it. i let emotions interfere and get my mind twisted as to what could be. i could settle.

i could settle, make a lot of money and putter on in life at an ordinary pace. i could get married and have kids before i'm twenty six and then put in more work until i can reach that golden age of retirement.

but where's the fun in that?

i was just accepted into school for marketing - which coincidentally is an umbrella term for what i've been passionate about for years - publicity and media relations.

and when i held that acceptance letter in my hand, i felt a rush of extreme happiness and i felt like someone pressed the GO! button. i could see a better light at the end of my tunnel and i already had in mind where i wanted to go for my practicum (Sony BMG Canada/Cossette) and how I would coordinate my clothes and work hard.

then about five minutes later, reality set in. the cards are different. i have rent to pay. i have bills to pay. i've got student loans i haven't paid off in full to pay.

how can i balance school and work? can i do it? i would have to work at my mediocre job .

but asides from my worries, i could see clearly where my life would be heading.

no more waiting and no more leaving my life in the hands of fate. its time for me to take things into my own hands and craft my future.

i don't know why but i think the fact that i was being static and not doing anything that really interested me at all - while my friends were travelling, getting married, finishing school, starting amazing new jobs made me realize that i had nothing to show for this past year and that i needed to slap my self out of it and do something that would make me the most happiest.

at first, i thought maybe what was missing from my life was marriage, being in a stable relationship, it seems almost a natural progression (albeit my parents' gentle but firm nudging) but i realize that makes me where i was originally at - which is sitting and waiting for things to happen.

but so many times before, i've put love before my career and for that it has suffered. and my heart and soul has suffered.

well the time of waiting is no longer because my brain has just switched to career mode.

we'll see where this takes me. this is my first entry towards my new future.

more poetry

night terrors

I can't sleep
When the horribles haunt my dream
They're not disfigured but familiar
They smile sweetly in conscious wake
But sink their teeth in flesh when you lay your head

The specialty is to crucify you
To every smidgeon of so called wrongs
But horribles believe indepenence
Equates the right to burn

Next thing you know
You're bounded upon their stake
They whisper to one another
They all know your fate

I wish the horribles would dissapate
But even consciously they never will
Playing devil's advocate
Is the only thing u can do

poetry

Soul

There's a girl
Walking in the snow
She may be bundled up
But her soul is raw and bare

He gutted up her heart
With every trick he had
He said he loved her dearly
But never had the time to show

A thousand years past by
And her lights are fading
Her hair is tossed
Her baggy eyes are bleeding

He promised everlasting love
And she followed blindly
He led her down his roses' thorns
Until her feet were cut and broken

One day the girl musters courage
And throws the blindfold away
She has to hurry fast
Or he will chain her to the ground

So she slips, she stumbles
Her bloody feet are cracked
Her eyes are weary from the struggle
But she knows something is waiting further on

Addiction

Addiction is a terrible disease. I use the word disease because essentially, addictions don't make you any better and it can take a chokehold of your life.

Addictions come in all shapes and sizes: drugs,sex, alcohol, shopping, gaming, gambling, eating- none of these have positive outcomes.

A sign of an addict is a complete denial of having a problem.

Addicts face losing their loved ones over something they can't give up and most of the time, sadly, they do not make the right choice.

These addicts can get to the point of losing it all and they proclaim that they can and they will change. And of course those around them accept and they try once more.

But more often than not, addicts fail.

Old habits die hard, you can't teach an old dog new tricks, whatever saying you want to use.. It still means the same thing.

You can't blame them, you can blame yourself for thinking that they could quit cold turkey- but that would be too much to expect of one person.

And from here, standing on the sidelines of oblivion, you are faced with a moral dilemma.

Will you hide your eyes and pretend you see no evil, because you grasp desperately to the last straws of hope you have that one day they can break free from their oppression...

Or do you get up, dust your hands off and walk away from the situation? Because you too could be an addict for staying when it isn't right. Why should you suffer at the hands of another who is too self absorbed with themselves and people who will never learn?

And that, is the question of the moment.

dont judge the character until you're fully submerged.

lets face it, i'm not the perfectest crayon in the box. i've made a lot of mistakes, and i don't live a fairy tale life. there's only so much of a personae i can spin to look like she's got it all together - after all, as a PR, that's my job.

i've got a signature pose like every other girl on facebook, i worry about weight and diet, i'm a prolific video game master (i can wax poetically in squaresoft, sony, nintendo and microsoft), and i can turn on 'the bitch' in less than a heartbeat when i have to. i can also turn on the angel and the bargaining diva in the same amount of time.

i think people sometimes see an angle of me where it may seem superficial with earthly matters, with my sometimes expensive taste, but truly, i feel that i'm nothing without a bargain. there are times where i wish i could be a paris hilton, where i can shop at high end stores to waste away the hours of my day, but at the same time, i'm so grateful that i wont have that opportunity because it keeps me grounded and work hard for my money.

and when i work hard for my money and i make a big purchase, it makes it feel that much better.

people also see an angle of me as being a quiet person. i dont find it that way, i'm reflective and i choose the battles i need to fight and let go of the ones that aren't worth my strain, stress and voice. i've never thought of myself as 'quiet', but possibly, quietly scheming?

i think people also have the mistake of judging people by their initial character or what they let on, and unfortunately for them, they never see the gem that people can really be.

i know a handful of people who can see past the mess of a person and find a real diamond in the rough, and thankfully, these people are my friends. and maybe thats why they found me or maybe how i found them? to me, they are all beautifully flawed and i couldn't ask for anything more than what they are.

i hope that people look past their initial thoughts on the people surrounding them and find the gems that people can really be.

*end rant*

the big move

so i figure it would be healthy for me to document my big move.

yes i'm moving.

we decided on a perfect little slice of heaven in yaletown, around the middle of january. the first time we looked at it, i was already loving it but brian, being the more reasonable one of the two of us, suggested that we look at other places. so we looked and looked - no one answered our phone calls, so we decided to fill in the form and see what happens, i was wondering whether we'd get it or not but we would leave it to fate.

then, we received a phone call about signing a lease and it seemed like it happened so fast. i'm happy that my dad came to view the place before we signed the lease and we got the thumbs up from him.

so after that, my dad went crazy giving me everything for my new place : plates, cutlery, cups, mugs, rice, sugar, canned goods, you name it, he gave it to me.

i think the hardest part is packing my stuff because there's this looming feeling that i'm leaving - and although i'm so excited to move out, the reality is scary and sad because i've never been living on my own without my parents and i'm going to miss them dearly when i go.

god i can't even imagine if i moved all the way to toronto, i wonder how upset i would be!

anyway i hope that my parents come to visit me often and that i get to visit their place as much as i can.

i can't believe how much crap i have, i threw so much away but it seems like there's just more crap thats important to me than there is garbage. i feel awful because i dont want to clutter our brand new apartment with my junk, but for the time being, until i can get a chest of drawers and my desk and a filing cabinet, it will be a bit of an eye sore.

brian and i have been busy bees as of recently, in between work we are working on slowly moving into the apartment. the kitchen is set up and i just need to clean it up and buy some stuff for the fridge (monday). we went around today looking for beds and couches, we found a pretty affordable one in the brick (a bed ANd a sexy couch) - but my dad scored us a pretty nice deal at the bay so after much deliberation, we're going with the bay. the couch is out of stock so who knows when that'll come in, but we'll keep looking around for that.

i think the move is opening our eyes a little wider and we are starting to realize what the 'real' world is. we both are treading carefully in the waters, i know because we're both really tired from moving and working. but there are so many problems that need to be dealt with, hopefully they will be dealt with very soon.

anyway, thats all my thoughts for now. i have lots to do but i wanted to blog a bit about it and hopefully i'll continue to blog about my experience a bit more during the move.

happy new years

happy new years everyone.

i was reading one of my feeds and one of them was telling the story of richard roeper asking oprah a question that she was completely dumbfounded for any sort of answer.

and i want to pose this question.

what do you know for sure?

facebook celebrity

facebook, in a perverse way, has made us into our own celebrity. since it's conception and our submission to its power, we have been growing up in the public's eye - no more different than your regular celebrity (if there is such thing).

our breakups, our friendships, accomplishments, goals, and even what we have for dinner is up for a conversation starter amongst the people who subscribe to our daily lives.

but let us consider the true fact that it is us who is the perverse, we are the ultimate publicist to ourselves - what we filter of our lives and what we allow slip through the iron grip of our own little publicity mobile inside.

don't be a prezzilla

at this time of year, although its the time of giving and being with family, i think we forget our most basic of human nature - manners.

while you're waiting to pay for your last minute prizes, remember that you cannot always blame the cash handler for the lineup. realize that they had to get there before you, had to deal with grumpy and childlike customers for a full 8 hours and still try to act civil.

today i was in a lineup in a video game store and i knew it would be a while because i used to work in one. i noticed that the lady was there by herself and the lineup pretty much lined up around the store. she tried to maintain her calm but the people before me were being nitpicky and were undecided about so many things, they didn't realize they were contributing to a backup of customers.

the man behind me was noisily sighing and sipping away at his coffee. i thought of myself when it was me behind that desk and trying to maintain poise and grace, despite the growing lineup and the computers breaking down on me.

so finally, it was my turn and i bought my purchase and made a bit of small talk about how they were short staffed and i commended her for her efforts and told her it would get much better before it got much worse and she smiled (for once during the hour i was waiting) and i walked away.

just remember that we are all human.

they reduced me to this..

i could bitch and complain about certain people i work with that make my day and everyone else's day horrible, but i'd like to think i'm more mature than that and i will put it in a different perspective.

for those of you who still smile and greet everyone or even say hi or a simple thank you - dont ever stop.

no matter how hard the day is, how many times you get yelled at, how much you hear your name being whispered in the background, remember that you are who you are, you are always learning and you are human. you are better than them.

for example, even a simple hello or thank you to the grumpy messenger man makes his frown turn upside down and he is actually jovial and interesting to talk to.

never apologize for your mistakes. you make them, learn from them and then move on. you may make them again, but thats the only way you are going to learn - to keep making them until you get it. for some people, they can be burnt once and get it, and others take a longer time.

dont let gossip and nay sayers take away your dignity or reduce you to tears - you're letting them win.

always stand your ground. if you don't, people will trample all over you. be the better person.

and that is my rant of the day.

one more sorting shift to go.

being an MLA is g*y...

I'm trying my hardest not to use the "g" word in case I offend anyone using it, because using it would be using it in a negative connotation, for example using it in this instance is negative.

first off, let me clear the air and say those who have a passion for helping those who are in need are the most patient people in the world and i have nothing but utter respect for each and every one of them.

however, there are people out there who do this for nothing but a paycheck (of course i'm sure there's a bigger story behind that, but for now, i'm just going to generalize) and unfortunately for the time being, i'm one of them.

i hate being an mla.

there.

i said it.

i hate everything about it. i hate hospitals, i hate how dirty it is. i hate how i have to poke people, i'm SO BAD at poking. i'm sure there are worse, but i hate it.

i hate how i have to deal with whiny people all day - not only patients but other people in the lab. i don't want to fall into their abyss so i never say a word and try n get through work unharmed.

i hate how everyone talks about each other behind their back and even when they are around.

i failed to notice that we were still in elementary school.

i hate how people make assumptions and stick to it and never get to see the depth of a person.

i hate how my bosses get misunderstood and how miscommunication makes them the villain.

i hate shallow bitches who are so pussy whipped by their husbands/significant others that they can't make a decision on their own

i hate women who are weak and shallow, thinking having the newest, biggest, coach bag makes you a better person than those around you.

i hope one day people will realize their mistakes, learn from them and become better people.

i am counting the days until this is all over.

pray with me.

and we're back.

okay so, there was a bit of a hiatus on posting there, but i swear i'll get better at this posting thing.

so first (full) snow fall in vancouver has begun, layering us in a lovely coat of the nice white powder (and not the type lindsay would love). i've been having these crazy thoughts of doing music videos.

just for the hell of it.

should i?

i should. fuck volunteering!

so i'm thinking single ladies or maybe womanizer or diva (beyonce). im still thinking about it, bringing the old crew together would be awesome...but its been years since i've danced and i'm not as agile as i used to be so maybe i should scuttle off to some classses before i fully take this task on...i might as well throw it out there and see what kind of response i get.

i already have a vision in my mind on how the MVs would look like so it's all up here, i just need the time and the willing volunteers/dancers. =)

Wow did I find meaning in my life?