for too long has my fate not been in my own hands..no longer.

i've come to a realisation that for several years now, i've been waiting for things to happen, hoping that my big break would come. i worked very hard, i did a lot of grunt work and late hours without seeing a single cent from the fruits of my labour. i listened to advice to go back to school and do something completely far off than what i wanted to become and during that time, it made me unhappy.

it made me realise my life wasn't going anywhere. i felt like i was going to be stuck in a dead end job that pays very handsomely, but lacks integrity and what i love about work - the chase.

the chase - most people like to use this to describe love and i guess it also describes the passion you have for what you want to do. my chase is doing things better, bigger and more creatively. my chase is not conforming to mediocrity and testing the borders, seeing where things can lead to. i don't want to be just any body, i want to be a somebody. but not a somebody in a way that would put my names in tabloid fodder, but someone who is known for never backing down on her career.

for too long, i've been letting my life go, i let a year slip by, working in a place i swore and vow i'd never end up because i absolutely despise ...well everything about it. i let emotions interfere and get my mind twisted as to what could be. i could settle.

i could settle, make a lot of money and putter on in life at an ordinary pace. i could get married and have kids before i'm twenty six and then put in more work until i can reach that golden age of retirement.

but where's the fun in that?

i was just accepted into school for marketing - which coincidentally is an umbrella term for what i've been passionate about for years - publicity and media relations.

and when i held that acceptance letter in my hand, i felt a rush of extreme happiness and i felt like someone pressed the GO! button. i could see a better light at the end of my tunnel and i already had in mind where i wanted to go for my practicum (Sony BMG Canada/Cossette) and how I would coordinate my clothes and work hard.

then about five minutes later, reality set in. the cards are different. i have rent to pay. i have bills to pay. i've got student loans i haven't paid off in full to pay.

how can i balance school and work? can i do it? i would have to work at my mediocre job .

but asides from my worries, i could see clearly where my life would be heading.

no more waiting and no more leaving my life in the hands of fate. its time for me to take things into my own hands and craft my future.

i don't know why but i think the fact that i was being static and not doing anything that really interested me at all - while my friends were travelling, getting married, finishing school, starting amazing new jobs made me realize that i had nothing to show for this past year and that i needed to slap my self out of it and do something that would make me the most happiest.

at first, i thought maybe what was missing from my life was marriage, being in a stable relationship, it seems almost a natural progression (albeit my parents' gentle but firm nudging) but i realize that makes me where i was originally at - which is sitting and waiting for things to happen.

but so many times before, i've put love before my career and for that it has suffered. and my heart and soul has suffered.

well the time of waiting is no longer because my brain has just switched to career mode.

we'll see where this takes me. this is my first entry towards my new future.